ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

So I have this coworker friend who worked briefly as a contractor at my former company.  You may have heard me refer to him before as arch-conservative coworker.  Yes, it’s true our worldviews are as diametrically opposed as is humanly possible, but as a person in general I consider him pretty much tops.  Seriously, this is really amazing.  Considering that he believes birth control is morally wrong, for me to be able to overlook that and genuinely like him as the rocking human being he is, means he is truly impressive.  I’m not being magnanimous here.  I normally despise people who believe things like that.  He’s just that awesome and it’s impossible to dislike him for any reason.  

And in his family, since he has five children, out of necessity there was born a legal document of sorts known as “The [name] Family Dating Rules”.  I really think this is an interesting and rather good idea.  Having been a young person once myself, I remember how desirable it is to bend the rules when your parents forget what they happened to tell you.  With written rules to be observed by everyone, it’s harder to pull a fast one like that.  I first found out about the dating rules when I still worked for my old company.  My coworker friend and I were fascinated with the concept and badgered arch-conservative coworker until he gave us a written copy of the rules.  

We then spent days analyzing them and providing helpful suggestions to close loopholes, not that we really expected him to take our ideas seriously.  I typed up some of our observations and e-mailed them to him.  He laughed and said that maybe I’d missed my calling and that I was really supposed to be a corporate attorney.  

Then a few weeks ago he wrote our little accountant friend group and remarked of the rules that, “alas, I have not updated them for a while. I am really not sure what to make of the effectiveness of the Rules. On the one hand, neither of my daughters became pregnant in high school…this is a good thing. On the other, I have very much disliked many aspects of both of their high school-to-college boyfriends…like the fact that they were going out with my daughters.   . . .   So, I am open to any and all suggestions for how I may revise the dating rules before [Daughter #3] and [Daughter #4] hit 16. [Daughter #3] turns 14 this week, so I have a little time, however, she will probably attempt to negotiate a younger age for when dating may begin. They seek to weasel around every other rule. At times I just get exasperated.”  

I am SO READY for this now.  Here are the original rules:

General Rules and Definitions

1. Dating is a privilege - There are families that do not allow dating in high school at all. While we feel it is appropriate to experience dating during the high school years, we also feel it is very important that strict rules are followed. Violation of these rules can result in dating privileges being suspended and other adverse consequences. Your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being as well as your date’s are of utmost importance to us.   

2. Definition of “Date” - For purposes of these rules, a “date” means an event where time is spent with a person of the opposite gender outside of school. Going to homecoming, a movie, the prom, bowling, or our house with a person of the opposite gender are examples of dates. A date is a date whether it is called “going out,” “hanging out,” or whatever. Dating involves responsibility. Of course, “date” also may refer to the person you are “dating” or “going out with.”

3. Minimum Dating Age - In our family, dating may occur after age 16 and not before. The person being dated must also be at least 16. The date should not be more than two years older than you.  

4.  Other Families’ Dating Rules – Some families have stricter dating rules. Their rules are to be respected and followed. More families will have less restrictive rules. So, regardless of the other family’s rules or lack thereof, our rules are to be followed. If a potential date is not willing to accept our rules, there will be no dating.  

5. Meeting the Date - Before beginning to date a person, Mom and/or Dad must meet your date. This can occur very informally. Mom and Dad need to know where your date lives, what school he or she attends, what his or her interests/hobbies are, what church he or she attends and other usual information.

Dating Frequency and Duration

During School Year:  

i. The school year includes all days from the first day of school (~August 20th) through the last day of school (~May 31st). Holidays and extra days off are considered part of the school year.

ii. There will be no more than one date per week. Dates normally are no longer than 3½ hours and may occur on a Friday or Saturday night. This provides more than enough time to go to dinner and a movie, go bowling, play miniature golf, etc… The couple may return to our house following the date for up to one hour, the date should be gone or taken home no later than the curfew time.

iii. In addition, the date may come to our home one other time each week for no more than 3 hours. This time may be used for joint studying if necessary. Additional study time will only be permitted under special circumstances on rare occasions.  

During Summer:  

i. During the summer, there will be no more than two dates per week. If two dates occur, neither is to be longer than 3½ hours plus one 1 hour at our home.

ii. The date may come to our home one other time per week for up to 3 hours. This is not reciprocal for going to the date’s home for an additional 3 hours without Mom or Dad’s specific approval.

iii. In special circumstances, additional time may be permitted upon approval from Mom and Dad (e.g. going to Worlds of Fun with our family or the date’s family).

Additional Requirements

Rooms – When in any home, you are not to be alone with your date in any bedroom. It is simply inappropriate to do so. If you are being given a tour of a home, it is acceptable to look into a room from the doorway.

Going to Date’s Home – You may go to a date’s home only if approved by Mom or Dad in advance. You are only to go to the date’s home if the date’s parent(s) is home and attentive. Mom and Dad may decide that going to a certain date’s home is not acceptable. This is a parental discretion call. It may simply be because we do not know the other parents well enough. Our rules favor the date coming to our house. The rules are one-sided for the benefit of you because many other parents do not supervise their kids. This is simply a fact. If we know the date’s parents and believe they are attentive and do provide supervision, we will be more open to you going to the date’s home. When allowed, study sessions at a date’s home will be no more than two hours long and total time at a date’s house will not exceed four hours per week.

Before leaving on a date, Mom and Dad must know and approve where you are going and when you will be home. Normally, the cell phone is to be taken and is to be answered as quickly as possible when it rings. If it cannot be answered immediately, you are to call Mom or Dad back as quickly as possible. If the home number is busy, the backup number to call is xxx-xxxx.

Proper Protocol – The boy is to come and escort the girl from her home in his car or his parent’s car. The boy is to open the girl’s car door as well as building doors. In addition, the boy is to pay for most date expenses…especially when the couple first begins dating.

Appropriateness and Safety - You may sit with your date and hold hands. You may not lie down together or caress each other or give each other massages. You may not give each other back rubs. You may sit together under a blanket with hands not under the blanket (<—- Editor’s note: hey, this clause is MY DOING!), but not lie down together under a blanket. You have been taught appropriate behavior and you need to exhibit it whether or not anyone is watching.  

You should always know where you are (street address, landmarks, etc.). If you are ever in an uncomfortable situation, get some space or leave. You can always call Mom and Dad and we will come get you. 

Change to Rules – Mom and Dad may change the rules as they deem necessary at any time.

My three primary criticisms of the rules are as follows:  

1) In the “Proper Protocol” section, it is established that the financial burden of dating falls on the male.  I suggested this before and it was rejected, but I think a more egalitarian approach to dating would be beneficial.  For one thing, I don’t think it is necessarily a good thing to encourage young women to expect that they can always safely rely on men financially.   Today young women are as capable of sharing the costs of entertainment as young men are and I think it gives both parties a feeling of responsibility.  I recommend scrapping this part.  It sounds stuffy and old fashioned.  

2) I think the first section with items 1-5 does a really terrific job of stating expectations very clearly, with the exception of something I will save for mention in my third criticism.  The second section is where it begins to get confusingly complex.  Although I appreciate the highly specific nature of the rules, the duration of various activities gets confusing and could be hard to track.  Did so-and-so already meet his 4 hour limit at our house this week?  I think the frequency guidelines seem reasonable, but the duration rules are a bit dense.  I’m not saying scrap them altogether, but I think they could be streamlined and simplified.   Refer to my third criticism.  

3) My biggest criticism of the rules is that their intent is very clear, but one key thing is absent, possibly because this is a Catholic family: “Mom and Dad don’t want you to engage in sexual activities of any sort!”  The only hint is the part where it says, “You have been taught appropriate behavior and you need to exhibit it whether or not anyone is watching”, which I think is a good way to put it, with some elaboration.  I don’t think it will hurt to be much more specific with respect to what is expected of them in terms of “appropriate behavior”.  I think a lot of the rules, such as all the business about hand-holding and not lying down or caressing or having blankets and so on, could be excised in their entirety by simply stating, “In this family we believe that sexual experimentation is not appropriate in high school.  Our expectation is that you will not engage in any sexual activities with a date.  Mild gestures of affection, such as hand-holding or brief hugging, are acceptable.  We trust that you are mature enough to understand what is and is not acceptable and to comply with this request.  Please realize that this rule is meant to protect you at a time in your life when it can be difficult to exercise good judgment and that our goal is not to make your life harder, but rather to help you reach young adulthood without having to experience any of the often negative consequences that can occur when people experiment with sex before they are ready.”  Or something.  Whatever, you know.  

The rules are a solid document overall.  With some tweaking and adjusting - I think some parts can be more flexible if the “no sex” rule is made more concrete - I think they can be adapted readily for his two youngest daughters.   I’ll gather some input from my coworker friend and submit my proposal.  

Hey coworker friend, I know you’re going to have suggestions after you read this!  Fire away!