ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I just saw a commercial for a new Monopoly game with “electronic banking”.  It has some kind of calculator thing that keeps track of all the cash transactions you make and you swipe cards to do everything. Who is this for?!  What is this supposed to be?!  

Monopoly that won’t damage kids’ delicate self-esteem if they can’t do the math quickly in their heads?! Monopoly that teaches kids how to swipe debit cards to groom them up for a lifetime of retail servitude?!  Monopoly that makes kids forget what it’s like to hold real fake cash in your hands so that you spend irresponsibly because it’s not real money?!  Monopoly that is specifically designed to hurt the feelings of Luddites?!  Monopoly that is trying to further our transition from a resource-based to a service based economy?!  Monopoly that is responsible for every time someone has ever fed you a Sara Lee cheesecake instead of the real thing?!  Monopoly that intentionally caused “Arrested Development” to be canceled?!  Monopoly that destroyed the Baltimore public schools?!  Monopoly that will cause California to detach from the continent and float away?!  Monopoly that will push the red button?!  Monopoly that told Freddy Mercury he just had the sniffles?!  Monopoly that created the Canadian parliament?!  Monopoly that made the Pokey Little Puppy get lost and have to look for his mom?!  Monopoly that sent AIG executives on a junket?!  Monopoly that tricks you into believing your TV will still work after February 17, 2009?!  Monopoly that always puts the trash bag in funny so when you throw the potato peels in it sags down and half of them slide down the side of the can?!  Monopoly that hacks into the DMV computers and puts points on your license?!  Monopoly that borrows your “Best of Bowie” CDs and returns them with scratches?!  Monopoly that lets werewolves come in through the kitchen door?!  Monopoly that stinks up the whole house making curry and doesn’t even share it?!  Monopoly that lives next door to you and gets your W2 form in the mail and reads and shreds it instead of walking it over?!  Monopoly that lies and says foods are low-fat when they really aren’t?!  Monopoly that got a new Blackberry and won’t let you look at it?!  Monopoly that draws on your face with a marker when you’re asleep?!  Monopoly that told the ATF your uncle was making moonshine?!  

I foresee dark times ahead, friends.  Dark times, indeed.