ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I’ve found that in the workplace most people, even if they’re horrifyingly profane like I am, have worksafe replacement swear words that they use instead of saying the words they really want to be using.  This is because most workplaces, aside from stuff like job sites where manual labor occurs, are terrified of being sued because someone was offended by something another person said.  Which in turn is because most Americans have not yet learned that what other people say and do is largely immaterial and meaningless insofar as it actually affects their lives.  Which in turn is why people have no problem doing things like calling a radio station to complain about an advertisement to which they took personal offense and then decided, logically, that no one else should be allowed to have interest in that thing if they themselves do not like it.  

But yes, I digress.  Americans are a stupid people by and large, as I learned from watching HBO’s “The Wire”.  But all that aside, because people don’t want to risk being sued, or worse, being perceived as unprofessional, I think most of them have special code words that they use to replace what they would normally say away from work.  

So on a Wednesday morning or something I might say to a coworker, “What nice weather today!  I hope we’ll get to do something nice this evening!”  

Whereas if it were the same time on a Saturday, I would probably say to my husband something like, “What a beautiful fucking morning!  We should do some fun shit today.”  

If I showed my true colors at the workplace I’m pretty sure I would face some kind of disciplinary action.  I’ve discussed this before, but I think it’d almost be an understatement to say I’m liberal with profanity.  I use it more or less like punctuation marks in my sentences.  I will probably never stop being a connoisseur of dirty words.  Another sign that I’d probably make an incredibly irresponsible, although most likely cheerful and affectionate, parent.  

I’ve only worked one place where swearing, truly filthy swearing, was okay.  I knew I was home when I overheard my boss call his friend a “cocksucker” on the phone my first day.  Oh, alas.  Once you become an accountant, I don’t think you get to work places like that anymore.  It’s okay.  I’m making way more money now.  I can sacrifice my dirty desires on the altar of materialism.  

Now, I don’t think everyone has a secretly naughty alter ego when they’re away from the workplace.  Far from it.  I do think some people are naturally good and are not lured by the appeal of naughty words.  My boss is a sweet lady who actually says “criminitly” and I truly believe it is not really a replacement swear.  I think she really says this and it’s not code for “shit!”.  I find this habit endearing even though I always think of that animated Robin Hood movie where all the characters are anthropomorphic foxes and turtles and stuff.  As in, “Criminitly, Trigger, put that pea-shooter DAY-AOWWN!”  

My equivalent to “criminitly”, only it’s not exactly equivalent because I really mean a much worse word, is “rats” or sometimes “shoot”.  

I used to have a coworker who said, “Drat!” or “Fiddlesticks!”  I knew a guy who used to say, “Shuckydarn!”  I don’t use most of the ones like that because I prefer to keep it limited to simple one-syllable words that are easy to remember in a time of irritation.  

What are the most interesting replacement swears you’ve heard in the workplace?