ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

A couple weekends ago when we had wedding guests bunking at our house, I wound up sitting in my living room for an entire morning watching Food Network with our friend’s fiancee.  Later, after they went off to find something for lunch, the program “Throwdown with Bobby Flay” came on, which I hate.  And one of the really sick things about me is that when I hate something I have a hard time letting go of it like a normal person really should.  So much like I become consumed with rage against drivers who think they’re so special that they should be able to go around everybody on the shoulder if traffic gets too slow for them, I sat there and the more I watched him, the more I despised this egotistical jackass with every part of my being.  

For those of you who haven’t seen this show before, the basic premise is that Bobby Flay chooses a victim and creates a pretend dossier on them.  Usually the person is a local or regionally recognized restaurateur or something and is at least mildly famous for some kind of specialty item.  Representatives from Bobby Flay’s program approach this person with a specious concept for a new Food Network show and request that they appear and feature their specialty food on an episode.  Of course, the person is like, “Fuck yeah!”  Because, how flattering, right?  Who doesn’t want their town’s favorite biscuits, blondies, coconut cake, whatever, to be considered so special that Food Network wants to highlight it?  

Bobby Flay then declares his intention to rip off their specialty food and create a “superior” version.  Wow, how sporting, right?  Small-time person against famous TV chef, without the benefit of even getting to know that they’re competing!  He spends the episode developing his version, usually with significant consultation from people more familiar with that particular food than him, and at the end surprises the person by revealing that the whole thing was a ruse and that their version of the speciality item is now to be pitted against his version, which he has improved.  A bunch of people at the event taste both versions, and then two judges are called in for a taste test, usually local food reviewers or restaurant owners or something like that.  Their decision then decides the “winner”.  

Although to be perfectly frank I haven’t seen more than five or six episodes, I consider the show pretty stupid for a few reasons.  First, I hate Bobby Flay’s entire attitude, which I interpret as a hideous combination of towering egotism and moral decrepitude, which he wields against these poor people in a vicious campaign of degradation.  He doesn’t necessarily always win, but I’m not convinced that those “wins” aren’t just gimmes to make the show seem less cruel.  Second, he doesn’t work on his own to develop his new version.  He relies heavily on other people to help him, but the whole thing winds up being attributed to him in the end.  Third, his improvements often represent such a significant departure from the original that it doesn’t seem really realistic.  He’s a big fan of adding fancy-ass shit that happens to be trendy at the time, like chipotle.  While adventure is fun, for some reason his efforts at adventuresome cooking annoy me.  Not that he’s a terrible cook.  I mean, Iron Chef America is a fucking joke as far as I’m concerned, but it’s more just that the guy seems like an ass.    

So since I’m an idiot, I’m sitting there watching this stupid show and thinking about how much I don’t like it, and I type into Google, “Bobby Flay” + “fucking mick”.  Because, it seems obvious.  

I was shocked that nobody else on the internet has apparently ever called this guy a fucking mick.  And since I have a bias toward Google, just in case, I checked all the other search engines I could think of off the top of my head.  There was not a single result anywhere for that exact combination of words, which really surprised me.  He’s such an ass and I doubt I’m the only person on the internet who actually thinks that.  And, well, while I don’t know he’s actually Irish, look at the fucker.  He makes Bill Burr look like he’s just pretending.  

I mean, are all the other Bobby Flay haters out there just too nice to take a racist crack at him?  

Just watch, one day I’ll meet him in person and he’ll turn out to be really nice or something and then I’ll feel guilty knowing that I am now the only source on the entire internet for the keywords “Bobby Flay” and “fucking mick” together.