ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Ever since that major rain last weekend, I’ve been having a lot of sinus congestion problems.  It’s the mold in the air.  Gets me every time.  I even turned to Afrin a couple of times this week.  And I hate Afrin.  The problem with Afrin is that it’s tricksy.  It seems to soothe, but does it really?  No, it does not.  The same stuff that shrinks the lining of your facial sinuses and gives you glorious oxygen and relief is also a noxious irritant that winds up reversing its own benefits if you don’t stop using it in a couple of days.  It’s, like, worse than being addicted to laudanum.  Since, as everyone knows, being severely congested is way worse than being dopesick.

So anyway, the Afrin bottle (and actually it’s the Walgreen’s “Anefrin” stuff because I’m a strong believer in generic pharmaceuticals) says on the back not to exceed two doses in 24 hours.  Which is not a problem, because if I have more than one spray or so in each nostril, I literally sneeze and blow my nose uncontrollably for hours afterward because my sinuses begin to constantly ooze.  Kind of like a toilet that won’t stop running until you jiggle the handle.  And it’s a well-known fact that there is no handle on the human body adequate to solve this problem.  And then on NPR this week they had an allergist on and although this is not mentioned anywhere on the bottle itself, he said you are not supposed to take Afrin for more than three days.  This made me wonder what the official rules are.  Like, can you take it every three days for two weeks and be OK?  Or can you take it once a day for six days?  If you take it for three consecutive days, when can you take it again?

And as a result, out of cautiousness related to the unknown but undeniably toxic nature of Afrin, I took a Sudafed before going to meet some friends tonight, but did not take any Afrin even though I was already quite congested.  I stayed out with them for a few hours and then by the time I was on my way home, I was hoarse from talking too fucking much and my head was also kind of full of snot.  But not snot that was ready to make it out just yet.  So I put in a David Bowie CD and made it most of the way home and then I inhaled a little bit and it was one of those things where just very unexpectedly you have a huge gob sitting there in your mouth and it is horrific. But at highway speed it’s hard to get rid of something like that, and since I am not an experienced window-spitter-outer, I was afraid to attempt it.  I was close to my exit, and since no matter what I do I always get a red light there, I figured I could stop and safely spit there.

I mean, I was desperate to get rid of this thing.

But when I got up the ramp the fucking light was green.  For like practically the first time ever.  And people were behind me, so I couldn’t just stop anyway.  But I had to spit. So I did.  And.

Fortunately I had an Old Navy performance fleece in the backseat, which I keep there at all times, and which now needs to be laundered rather badly.  I took some Afrin immediately when I got home.  Irritants be damned.