ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

You know how sometimes a catchy thing will just stick with you for pretty much forever, no matter what?  You couldn’t forget it if you tried. Even if you don’t realize you remember it, even if you don’t think about it, it’s lurking there in your mind just waiting to be stirred up.

So like nine years ago my husband and I were a fresh little late teens couple who’d only been going out for a year, but we had our own apartment and for the first time, plenty of privacy.  Which was a complete novelty.  Not to be indelicate, but when you’re in your teens it can be hard to find good places to make out.  So having an apartment at age 17 is basically a dream come true.  Not that I’d really want to go back to that time.  We were pathetically poor.  Too poor to eat fast food.  And the stress of living on like $300 a month?  I wouldn’t want to go back to that shit for anything. It was the kind of thing where you exult in your glorious freedom at the same time that your terrible freedom frightens you ever so awfully.

But that didn’t mean that we didn’t have some funny times.  And without revealing too much detail about the actually fairly innocent conversation that led to this particular internet adventure, one of those funny times was when we read about something amusing on the internet.  And that thing was the “Hawaiian Muscle Fuck”.  Apparently this is some kind of bizarre terminology for what more or less amounts to manually masturbating the man between the woman’s breasts.  Yes.  I am talking about tittyfucking.

I don’t know about my husband, but at the time I had never heard of this and it sounded fucking crazy to me.  For reasons that are probably obvious to anyone who has ever known or been a 17 year old girl, it was hard to imagine any way in which this or its inevitable outcome could be desirable.

But the thing I really couldn’t get over was the name of this act.  While I had also never heard of the famous Donkey Punch or the Cleveland Steamer at that time, two arguably more horrific acts that would probably have confounded me further, I was completely preoccupied with the concept of a Hawaiian Muscle Fuck.  We had an extremely long, in-depth conversation in which we analyzed the apparent etymology of the term.

Which leads me to the other night, when we were talking about Adam Corolla since we saw The Hammer recently and liked it. This led to a conversation about his condemnation of Hawaiians as “the lowliest of all god’s people”.  And suddenly I remembered the Hawaiian Muscle Fuck.

It turns out that even today, we don’t understand this expression.  Is “Fuck” being modified by “Hawaiian Muscle” or is “Muscle Fuck” being modified by “Hawaiian”?  In other words, which one is Hawaiian—the muscle or the fuck?  And if it’s muscle, what is a Hawaiian muscle?  Is it the breast?  That’s just fatty tissue.  Is it the penis?  Also, is the Hawaiian muscle fucking or being fucked?  We may never know.