ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

So a couple weeks ago my crafty friend and I decided to have a yard sale of our own later this summer to make some room in our houses, and over the past few days I’ve been slowly going through stuff I don’t use, pricing it, and depositing it in the second bedroom that serves us only as craft storage and book repository, and now, as inventory warehouse.  I’m getting rid of old clothes, jewelry I don’t wear anymore, and household items.  Maybe some of my old CDs and toys and god knows what else that I have in my basement and in my old roommate’s basement that I never moved over to the new house because a) lazy and b) bad person.

One stuff genre in which I’m way overendowed is stuffed animals.  “Wait, aren’t you in your late twenties?” I hear you asking.  Well.  Yes.  And I still have the same attitude toward them that I did when I was five, which was that I suspected they had real feelings and became ambulatory at night and had their own lives.  Kind of like in The Velveteen Rabbit.  And when I say this, yes, I know they are not technically real.  So there isn’t cause for alarm on grounds of insanity.  It’s more just bizarre that someone my age enjoys pretending that different animals have personalities.  All of them have names.  Most of them have character traits that I have made up.  And some of them are “best friends” with each other.

So all of this is why when I thought of this idea last night, which was that I probably should put some of my animals in the yard sale, I had to whisper my idea to my boyfriend out of their earshot.  God, I feel like such an idiot putting this in words.  But I felt a little guilty about it, in the Sophie’s Choice sense.

But I began the somewhat difficult process tonight. There are some animals I simply won’t be getting rid of. The following photoessay documents the bare minimum of animals that I will keep.  And for some biographical details:

From left: Chicken Ball, Randy, and Eugene.  These are the animals I would save if the house were on fire.  Randy is technically a dog toy and he is not bright, but he is good natured.  Chicken Ball is perennially upbeat and travels by rolling.  His big beady eyes are always cheerful.  Eugene is very serious, mostly because he is keeping the other two out of trouble.  Chicken Ball and Randy are best friends.

Owls are one form of animal I particularly like.  Back row: Lester.  From left:  Ogden, Nate, Percy, Neil.  These owls are quiet and well-behaved, except that Ogden is fluffy and easily flustered.  Percy and Neil were purchased from the clearance bin at borders for $2 each.  If you look closely, you can see that their caps say “Class of” respectively 2005 and 2004.  I was afraid no one else would want them.  Neil is my secret favorite owl.

All of my very tiny animals are called hat animals.  This is because at my old house when I had a roommate and didn’t have to be like a real grownup, I had a big pet net and to keep these animals from falling, I used my roommate’s hat as a sort of home for them.  Rear:  Rufus.  Back row:  Minus, Kelly, Tandy, Plus.  Front row:  Little Ham, Baby Ham Ham, Ernie.  The hat animals are cheerful and mostly boisterous.  Rufus is very fussy and proper and can’t bear for his ribbon to get mussed.  Tandy is continually working on his physical fitness, and Ernie just wants someone to take his damn pumpkin.

This another group of (mostly) animals.  Very back:  orange tiger, Benjamin; giraffe, Violet; hippopotamus, Hector; white polar bear, Timothy.  Middle and front:  White tiger, Julian; hedgehog, Tad; pumpkin, Everett; white bear/seal thing, Ewan; opossum, Toby; pig, Errol; Christmas dog, Crosby; baby otter, Charlie.  Tad was a birthday gift and you can turn him inside out to simulate him balling up.  These animals are all pretty terrific, but Ewan might be my secret favorite.  He is very buoyant in spirit.  Toby and Charlier are my other favorites.  But I like the others too.  Everett has a sound maker inside him that says, “Happy Halloween!  Ah ha ha!”

Rabbits are the other particular kind of animal I like.  The large rabbit on the far left is Chester and I have had him a long time.  Next to him is a grey rabbit with blue ribbon named Sebastian.  The three front rabbits are (from left) Jeff, Natalie, and Dabney.  Natalie is fussy and confrontational and always wants to know if it is time for her birthday (Easter).  The other rabbits are very patient.

Sea turtle, Brian; alligator, Zack; baby triceratops, Gwynn; manatee, Keith; seal, Sam; lobster, Stan; walrus, Petrie.  Stan gets very uncomfortable in winter because we have very little humidity and it makes his shell creak.  The other aquatic animals try to help him conserve moisture.  Petrie likes to read stories to Keith.  Zack and Brian like to move around slowly and think carefully about everything they do.  Gwynn eavesdroppes when Petries tells stories, but he knows she does it and doesn’t bother her with it because she is shy.

These are the animals I’ve had longest.  From left: Bear, Key Cat, Wrinkles, Mr. Puffy (orange cat), Mutt.  Mutt on the far right actually belongs to my boyfriend.  To my knowledge he is his only stuffed animal and now he lives with my animals so he won’t be lonely.  Key Cat is my oldest stuffed animal and I got her in 1982.  She looks very tired now, but she didn’t used to.  Sometimes I like to pull the matted fur back from her eyes because it makes her look very alert.  Sometimes I also pull her ears up and the fur underneath is soft like the rest of her fur used to be.  I like to look at it because it reminds me of what she used to be like.  I don’t take her out very much because she is old and delicate.  I used to sing a lot of songs about Mr. Puffy.

Pteradactyl, Than; penguin, Jasper, flamingo, Leslie (male); kiwi, Penny; cardinal, Glen; robin, Clancy; bluejay, Kevin.  All three of the songbird have music makers inside them with bird calls.  Tony and Glen are both quite agreeable, but stereotypically, Kevin is rude and pushy.  He makes the other animals uncomfortable.  Jasper is also offputting, but he doesn’t mean to be.  He lacks social graces and likes to slide around on his front.  Than, Penny and Leslie keep mostly to themselves.

Finally, Dot (left) and Stephanie (right).  They are best friends, but Dot is very shy and agreeable and Stephanie is pushy and obnoxious and bosses Dot a lot.  The other animals are always telling Dot not to be a pushover and that she doesn’t have to feed their codependent relationship.  But Dot loves Stephanie.  Secretly, Stephanie could not make it without Dot, but it would take a relationship crisis for her to learn to express that.