ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Yesterday after Weight Watchers my crafty friend and I decided to go yard saling in fancy neighborhoods. This is a favorite pastime of ours, because we are both ridiculous accumulators of crap and also because it is a lot of fun to see what you can find. Mission Hills and the Ward Parkway area are both ideal for this type of thing. One reason for this is that rich people have better stuff. Another reason is that they often don’t care as much if they get any decent money for that stuff. So by mid-afternoon when they’re tired of sitting around in front of their house with a change tray, they start giving their stuff away for free since they were just going to donate whatever was left anyway.

This weekend was especially fruitful and it was exactly what I needed. My crafty friend is a very easy person to be around and it also helps that we share the same special passion for going to yard sales. In concert this comes so naturally to us that it’s almost like we are sharing a mind. Over time you develop the ability to figure out pretty reliably which sales will be shitty before you even get out of the car. This is good because it gives you more time to spend at better sales.

We have a grading system for people’s yard sales, based primarily on three criteria: selection, pricing, and personality of the people running the sale. The most important two are selection and pricing, obviously, but the third is important as well because it contributes to the overall yard sale experience, and if people are chatty you can find out interesting things about the stuff you are buying.

Selection: Must have interesting and desirable items in reasonable quality. Shoes with nasty stains inside them, stained and torn clothing, broken dishes, etc. etc., warrant a lower grade. Working appliances in good condition, or expensive brand clothing that doesn’t look very worn warrant a higher grade.

Pricing: Must be realistic about what their crap is worth. Asking $5 for a stupid tank top that probably cost $15 new and now it has armpit sweat stains is retarded and they don’t deserve to sell anything. Also, some people sell “antiques” that they really don’t know what they are worth and they put things out like a stupid old medicine cabinet in crappy shape and want $150 for it. People don’t come to yard sales looking to pay antique store prices, idiots. Sell it on eBay or consign it somewhere, or get used to the idea that you won’t get whatever dumb price you arbitrarily decided on. Note: big bonus points for offering good stuff for free. Oh, and another thing about pricing. Having items priced clearly is a plus. It is annoying to have to guess at what someone wants for something, and sometimes I won’t even bother. Name your price and if I don’t like it I will offer you something else.

Personality: It’s not crucial, but it’s nice when people are friendly and chatty. Sometimes they tell you specific things about stuff you are buying, or interesting historical details about an item. If the people at the sale make fun and not pushy efforts to convince you why you need something of theirs, or suggest creative uses for things at their sale, this is worth bonus points. It is also good when people are very negotiable on price, or tell you right away that they’ve switched to “clearance” mode, so just make an offer.

My booty:

• Pair of cool red shoes that looked barely worn and I wore them around all day and gave myself blisters, $1
• Fish tank that I got to have at work, originally marked $8 but the lady was negotiable, so $5
• A Sak bag that looked new and the lady said she got it as a gift and didn’t ever use it and I bought it because I liked it and later I looked it up online and realized it probably cost between $100 and $150, $10
• A set of silicone spatulas that don’t look like they have been used and are much nicer than the ones I already own, but I am giving them to my mother-in-law because when I go to her house I always mean to get her some and this a whole set, $1
• A George Foreman grill that I asked for and received from my crafty friend after she replaced it with a newer and nicer one for $3, free
• A canvas bag that says “Bunny Bag” on the front, full of small stuffed rabbits in eccentric clothing, 10 cents
• Old tachometer and timing light from Sears, got them because I have heard my boyfriend and his best friend talking about these and they have to do with vehicular diagnostics, free
• Stack of interesting books, several of which were hardbacks in near new condition, and one of which was a book I had been wanting to read and would have cost me $16 new, plus this was nice because many books at garage sales are religious stuff or written by Dr. Phil, Paul Reiser or has to do with Chicken Soup that Soothes the Soul of some unknown variable demographic, free
• Small container of green buttons that was in the scary garage of some lady who had wall to wall crap packed in there and she just told people to go in and find stuff and she’d tell them if it was for sale and the only thing I wanted was the green buttons and she said it was small so, free
• Oxo potato masher that costs $8 at Target and will replace my old one with the wobbly handle, 25 cents
• New bedside table that is heavy duty and in super good shape and has 3 drawers and doors instead of just shelves, not pictured, $20
• Stuffed pelican beanie that I want to take apart to figure out how he is made, sorry beanie, free
• Sand filled toy manta ray beanie that is living on the dash of my car now, not pictured, free
• Two framed covers of “True Story” magazine with humorously retro pictures of happy women and how they found late 40s romance, not pictured, $4
• Pyrex glass ring shaped dish, not pictured, free
• Baggie of silver jewelry containing one bracelet and 5 pairs of silver earrings, not pictured, $5
• Real marble lamp that has a very old plug so it looks pretty old and anyway it was really pretty, $15
• Pair of fancy long black embroidered gloves, 50 cents