ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Historically I’ve always had this problem that I think of things I need or want to do, but it seems like they often slip my mind and I wind up never getting around to them. So it is probably some kind of record for me that I have finally begun to read through the “Caring Conversations” workbook my boss left for me last week. After I took it home and looked at it a little bit, I realized she had given me two. One for me and one for my boyfriend.

Before I had a chance to get cracking, though, I looked at my phone and realized I had a voice mail. It was my crafty friend, calling to remind me that the freestyle sewing class we signed up for last month was tonight. With everything happening recently, I had completely forgotten. And I was already an hour late for it. I really, really did not feel like going. I was not expecting it at all, was not ready whatsoever, had no project to work on, and did not feel like seeing a bunch of people. But I did pay $18 for the class. So I threw some things in a bag and drove over to Harper’s. I hadn’t done anything with my crafty friend since the weekend before the accident and I missed her, but I didn’t really want to be at this class, and as soon as I got there I just felt completely out of place and I wished I’d stayed home and just sucked it up.

When I got in the door everyone had already spread out and found their places and I walked in, found nowhere obvious to sit, and immediately wanted to cry for no apparent reason. It probably looked really weird when I walked in, set my things down, and just turned around and stood facing the wall for a few minutes. The best thing about the sewing class, other than seeing my crafty friend, was the box of fatty cream puffs someone had brought. God, I really have to get back on the wagon tomorrow.

My crafty friend, thank goodness, had tactfully explained to the class coordinator (who we know from our Weight Watchers group) that there was a death in my family and had kind of cleared me for being late and for acting strangely. I didn’t really feel like working on anything, so I helped my crafty friend pin down and cut out the pattern she was working on, and after a while the class coordinator came by and offered her condolences. She said something like, “Things like this are always hard at first, but it’s easier once you understand that this was how things were meant to happen. Everything is for a reason.”

She is a nice lady and I like her, but her statement bothered me. I don’t think everything has some cosmic scheme behind it. Not everything is part of some master plan. Sometimes shitty things happen that feel unfair because they are unfair. He wasn’t supposed to die. It’s just something that happened and now we have to live with that and get used to it. In fact, to me it seems more painful to believe that there is some cosmic plan that intended for this to happen even though it would involve all of us feeling this miserable about losing someone.

I left the class early and went home. I wasn’t working on anything anyway, and after spending all week holding it together at work, I didn’t really feel like doing something all that structured. I would rather do something completely inane like go to the richie rich yard sales over by Ward Parkway tomorrow.

So anyway, that’s why I didn’t actually get anywhere with my “end of life planning” workbook tonight.