ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I know that it probably seems like I have this recurring obsession with things that go on in the bathroom, but let’s face it, the john is an important place where people do important things.

So here is my current issue. Someone at work has been using those tissue toilet seat covers and not picking them up and throwing them away afterward. I personally don’t get why anyone uses those in the first place, so it kind of annoys me that someone would use it and then fail to throw it away. Instead this mystery person has been leaving it there on the seat, half in and half out of the toilet, where it stays until the cleaning people come in and deal with it, because everyone else on the floor doesn’t want to touch this soggy piece of tissue paper, and also because no one is sure if they are actually flushable. Especially since it’s the women’s restroom. Women are repeatedly ordered never, ever to flush anything down the toilet besides toilet tissue and bodily waste because it can RUIN your plumbing and probably DESTROY THE CITY SEWERS if you flush a tampon or a pad or something. So we’re already skittish about what to flush.

Here is the thing about people who use those. What do they really think they are accomplishing? If they think that anybody’s ass cheeks are actually dirty enough to warrant shielding themselves from the ass germs of others, they should be at home in a plastic bubble instead of working in the real world with real people. Sometimes I see people who use the tissue paper cover and then don’t wash their hands adequately at all. I want to shake them and give them a stern lecture about how germs really work.

Fact: The human derrière is shielded in clothing all day and doesn’t get exposed to germs. Aside from the actual rectum, it is probably like the cleanest part of the whole body. It is not germy unless there is something wrong with the person’s hygienic rituals at home.

Fact 2: Failing to wash one’s hands immediately after peeing does not make one gross. Failing to wash one’s hands makes one gross. Urine is sterile, and most people aren’t in the habit of peeing on their hands anyway, so you’re not in any danger that someone’s pee doesn’t get cleaned off their hands. The reason it’s important to wash your hands in the restroom is basically just that it’s the best opportunity most of us have to really scrub their hands throughout the day. If you were doing something where you kept having to wash your hands repeatedly with soap and water during the day, it wouldn’t really be that big a deal if you peed and didn’t wash.

For the most part, all you need to remember to protect yourself from the filth of others is to wash your hands often and well, and to not rub your disgusting hands all over your nose and mouth in between. If you’re a nose-picker, wash your hands first. If you want to conduct an intense, deep penetration tooth flossing in the middle of the day, scrub up. Chewing your nails? Soap and water first. A toilet tissue seat makes you look like a stupid sissy and it doesn’t do anything anyway.