ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

While watching “The Office” the other night, my boyfriend and I saw this commercial for a product called Veramyst that works with a “whole range of chemicals” to make your seasonal allergy symptoms go away. While a happy woman explains the miracle of Veramyst, various and sundry messages flash at the bottom of the screen, telling you helpful facts about the product, such as that only persons 12 years and older can use it. One of these messages was a warning that “the way Veramyst works is not entirely understood”. Well, and why not?

So I decided to do some Veramyst research. According to drugs.com, Veramyst basically appears to be the AIDS virus in spray form, except more pleasant because it can ease your seasonal allergies. Its primary active ingredient is an immunosuppressant steroid, meaning that if you get coughed on by a tubercular old man, you will die in writhing agony, probably in a state run sanitarium.

Store Veramyst in an upright position at room temperature, away from moisture and heat. Throw the medication away after you have used 120 sprays, even if there is still medicine left in the bottle.

I don’t understand this at all. What is the significance of 120 sprays? Is it just a measure of the time it’s been stored in the bottle, or does it oxidize further with each spray, or what? What if I sprayed it on the sidewalk 100 times in one day and went inside and used the remaining 20 sprays over the course of the next week or whatever? Would something terrible happen if I just finished out the bottle? Just how many sprays go in a bottle?

Veramyst can lower the blood cells that help your body fight infections. Avoid being near people who are sick or have infections. Call your doctor for preventive treatment if you are exposed to chicken pox or measles. These conditions can be serious or even fatal in people who are using Veramyst.

So you basically become an AIDS patient and you might as well be living in a clean room, because how can you completely avoid sick people? You see disgusting infectious people every day who aren’t sick yet, and they touch their filthy hands on everything, the drawers in the break room, the refrigerator handle, the plastic spoons, the phones, god, they’re everywhere!

If that weren’t enough:

Steroid medicines can affect growth in children. Talk with your doctor if you think your child is not growing at a normal rate while using Veramyst.

I was on prednisone for like a year when I was a kid. I wonder if that’s why I have to shop in the petite section now.

Long-term use . . . can lead to symptoms such as thinning skin, easy bruising, changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your face, neck, back, and waist), increased acne or facial hair, menstrual problems, impotence, or loss of interest in sex.

Veramyst may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

At this point I can only picture Veramyst being used for hostile purposes, such as a biological weapon. Get the terrorists to take this stuff for their seasonal allergies. Then send a thousand screaming chicken pox infected toddlers running into their camps. PROBLEM SOLVED