ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I had this dream a week or so ago that I was on a Southwest 737 sitting in the second row aisle seat (2C) and the current President and his first lady were sitting in seats 2D and 2E. The President had the aisle seat, which seemed quite natural to me at the time. It also seemed quite natural to me that I was seated across from the President, and I even thought it was kind of cool despite the fact that the President hates my reproductive and religious rights, since how often do you sit by the President on a commercial jet? Like, never. It also didn’t seem weird that I was the only regular passenger sitting by the President and it was just us in the middle of all these Secret Service guys who took up the first part of the plane.

I tried to strike up a conversation with the President because the Secret Service guys were so serious, and he didn’t really feel like talking so I was having a tough time. “So, if anything happens, you’ll save us all, right?” I joked.

The President looked tired, like he wanted me to leave him alone. I didn’t give a shit. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. Although, I’m not saying I would ever act like this in real life. Dreams are kind of an uninhibitor that way. Anyway, the President didn’t answer my question. “So, if anything happens, your Secret Service guys will save us all, right?” I asked.

The President smiled wanly and began to flip through a copy of Sky Mall. No way was I letting him off the hook that easy. I started telling him about the stupidest product in Sky Mall, which is a miniature branding iron that you heat on the grill and use to brand your steaks. “I mean, that thing is not cheap,” I told him, “and what is really the point anyway?” I tell my coworker friend this almost every time we fly. I sort of hate it that this stupid product even exists. When people from other countries talk about how disgusted they are by American commercialism, I think this specific item is what they have in mind.

The President frowned at me. “I own one of those,” he said.

I didn’t know what to say back. So there was a long silence and I said, “Do you also own that appliance that is like a toaster but only for hot dogs? Because that is really stupid too.”

The President finally laughed and told me that no, he did not own the stupid hot dog toaster thing and frankly he wasn’t even sure what I was talking about. “Good,” I said. “That thing is dumb.” I showed it to him in the catalogue.

So then the President and I were friends even though I insulted his personalized steak branding iron product and will never apologize for hating it. The President starting talking to me about his pony named Jacks and I woke up because I didn’t believe him when he said he had a pony named Jacks and the whole thing just seemed too weird all of a sudden.

THE PRESIDENT IS A LIAR