ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Last week my boyfriend and I went up to the Des Moines area to see his mom and his sister for the holiday. His aunt and uncle, who live nearby, have a swimming pool and I don’t know why but I always seem to forget my bathing suit when I go to visit. I actually kind of wanted to do some swimming while I was there, but was a little bent out of shape because the sad truth is that I cannot wear just any swimming suit. If I could, I would have taken my boyfriend’s mother up on her kind offer to borrow a suit of hers. But I can’t wear suits that don’t have a strong suspension bridge style support system in the bosom area.

Where I’m going with this is that I needed to buy toothpaste anyway and his sister offered to go with me to Target, so I figured, I’ll just look at sale suits while I am there. This turned out not to work for two reasons.

• I don’t think they had a single suit on sale that was made out of more than a square foot of material and
• I’ve lost a lot of weight but not THAT much. Wait, three reasons.
• The suits were all designed to be worn by today’s modern, sexually sophisticated 12 year olds, so they would have been too small even if I were underweight.

So I figured, oh well. On our way out of the clothing section I finally spotted some one-piece suits and got all excited. I had started looking at them, not that there were many to be begin with, when his sister realized and pointed out that the suits I was inspecting were maternity suits. As in, meant to be worn by someone whose belly is grossly distended by her pregnancy.

Strangely, this did not deter me. I continued to shop for a bathing suit in the pregnant section. In the end, the only reason I did not try on and/or purchase one of the bathing suits was that the busts were clearly too small. It reminded me of this time that I bought a shirt when I was in high school that I thought was part of that brief 70s throwback fashion trend in the mid 90s and then someone told me later that it was not an empire waisted princess shirt but actually a maternity shirt. Which totally made sense, because I had wondered why it was so…ample in the abdominal section. And then I wore it anyway although I was not particularly fat then.

Maybe I need to consider some elective bosom surgery someday, if I’m making pregnant chicks look flat chested!