ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Monday was the holiday and my boyfriend’s little sister had to go back home with her mom. While we were packing up her various overnight items, she asked me if I felt like going to Target. I didn’t know. “Maybe?” I said.

“We can have a scavenger hunt,” she suggested, and immediately I thought of all the money I did not want to spend on a scavenger hunt. I must be turning into a real grownup, because my first thought was not, how fun! and instead it was, how much will it cost?

“How does this work?” I asked warily.

Apparently, how this game works is that each person makes a list for the other one, and then each one races the other to collect all the items and beat them back to a designated spot. Then, depending on if you are a nice person or a mean person, you either return all the items to their original locations, or ditch them somewhere. I agreed to give this game at least one shot, but cautioned her that I would probably lose because I am not willing to abandon all dignity and sprint through a store with a shopping buggy and embarrass myself in a place where I might want to shop again.

When we got there, we took a legal pad and each wrote down five items. She giggled as she wrote my list and handed it to me.

1. iPod Nano cover
2. fish oil pills
3. Trojan condoms (magnum)
4. blue pillow
5. 8 month baby dress

At the same time I had been creating a list of my own.

1. cross cut paper shredder
2. men’s boxer briefs
3. 13 gallon kitchen drawstring bags
4. extra chunky Chips Ahoy
5. garlic press

The game turned out to be surprisingly fun. When she handed me my list, I told her in a serious voice, “I know exactly where to find the rubbers. They’re in a black box with gold writing.” She looked a little sickened at this, so I quickly explained why I knew this. “It was [my old roommate] and her ex-boyfriend’s brand.” This seemed to make her feel better.

I went and picked up the rubbers first, then grabbed the pillow on my way over toward the baby clothes. I was confused, because the sizes are listed by age, apparently because babies, unlike regular people, must average out to a certain size at a certain age. Not like babies are going around in tight fitting clothes anyway, but you know. Anyway, the age thing was fine, but the list specified 8 months and all they had was 3, 6 and 9 months. Finally I flagged down a clerk and asked her what size I should buy for an 8 month old. “Ah, I’d go with the 9 month, that way she can grow into it,” she suggested, looking quizzically at the large box of condoms sitting on top of my purse.

“Thanks,” I said brightly, and went on my way. I ended up winning the first round, since I do most of my household shopping at this Target and know it rather thoroughly. Although I daresay it probably can’t compare to my encyclopedic knowledge of the Hen House located at Johnson and Antioch. We decided to have another stab at it, so we stood in an aisle and wrote out new lists. Since I had been rather PG the first time around, and she hadn’t, I decided to return the favor and select an embarrassing product for her to “shop” for.

1. tube of Anusol (this product has always made me laugh - I mean, way to name it, marketing team!)
2. fake plant under $20
3. travel scrabble
4. 60 watt light bulbs
5. vacuum cleaner bags

My list required me to collect the following:

1. L’Oreal Preference hair color, light brown
2. green bean seeds
3. stuffed dog
4. new Hilary Duff CD
5. Barbie convertible

Most of the items were a slam dunk, but the seeds and the CD concerned me a little. I had no idea where to find seeds, or even that the store sold them, and technically I am not sure I could differentiate Hilary Duff from the thousands of other teenage icons I seem to hear about constantly, let alone figure out what her new CD might be. I asked a clerk near the patio furniture where I could find seeds, and she was obviously confused by my question. “Like, seeds? Seeds that…grow?” she asked. I nodded, feeling embarrassed. “Those have gotta be in F-17,” she said finally.

When I checked F-17, I found nothing but a vast array of fake plants and garden related decorations. I was annoyed but resigned myself to losing the game. I went to look for the Hilary Duff CD and was immediately approached by a clerk, who wanted to know if I needed help finding something. “Sure,” I said. “Can you find me the new Hilary Duff CD? I’m supposed to get it for someone’s birthday,” I admitted to him conspiratorially, “but I hardly even know who she is!” I laughed to show him that I would never shop for a Hilary Duff CD unless it was to make some unnamed teenage girl happy, or for some other good cause like saving young seals from death. He found a CD for me and handed it over. “Great, and this is the new one?” I asked. He said it definitely was.

On my way back to the meeting spot, I decided to comb over the garden section one more time. The same employee approached me again and asked if I’d been able to find the seeds. I hadn’t, of course, but since I didn’t actually plan to purchase them, I felt a little guilty allowing her to look, so I lied and said yes. Then I spotted the large display of vegetable seeds directly behind her. I slunk behind a display, trying to look like I was browsing for nothing in particular, until she wandered away. Then I got the seeds and sped my cart toward the spot, where my boyfriend’s sister was hanging out and had probably been waiting for ages as I looked for the damn seeds.

“Hey,” she said. “That isn’t the new Hilary Duff CD!”

In the end, I insisted on replacing all the objects we had removed from their locations, since we had never had any intention in the first place of buying any of it. I purchased a new belt and we left the store to go get some lunch. All in all, it turned out to be much more fun than I thought it would be, although it was challenging to go around the store and replace items while trying to avoid any of the clerks who had originally helped me pick them out.

Except for the guy who thought he knew Hilary Duff. He just don’t know Hilary Duff like my boyfriend’s little sister knows Hilary Duff.