ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

So I bought a mandoline the day before Easter when I took a group of my boyfriend’s many adolescent cousins to Oak Park Mall for prom dress shopping. Mandoline with the E refers to a dangerous slicing instrument used to produce uniformly cut vegetables and fruits.

I am of course referring to the dangerous slicing instrument, and not to the string instrument pronounced the same way but spelled mandolin. I think the string instrument must be the infinitely more common of the two homophones because every time I referred to having purchased a mandoline to use in the kitchen, the people around me would look puzzled, as though they didn’t realize I could play.

The mandoline’s instructions are very clear on the fact that you must never, never, never fail to use the food holder device (the blocky looking thing in the picture) that keeps your fingers from ever ever being anywhere even remotely close to the blade. Unfortunately this, well, makes it difficult to actually control the food as it is being sliced. I spent the first few uses of the mandoline rigidly observing this safety requirement before I became pissed off and decided that this rule is meant for clumsy people or stupid people or whoever and is just a product liability disclaimer type of rule. It is not intended to restrict the productivity of competent cooks. Since, who goes around being careless with a giant blade that could slice your fingers off?

So I have begun taking my life into my own hands. Ha, ha, literally! When I slice potatoes, I do it while holding them bare-handed until about an inch of thickness remains. Then because I am still kind of paranoid about the whole thing (because I am generally a rules follower), I use a stainless steel pinch bowl to protect my hand as I push the vegetable through the blade. “Good Grips” or no, that food holder thingy just sucks.

Still got all my fingers so far!