ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Dennis Hopper currently endorses Ameriprise, a financial planning and investment firm. Any time a celebrity officially endorses a product or service, the consumer is forced to assess that celebrity’s credibility, especially in the context of whatever it is they are trying to get you to buy. For example, when I saw Ron Livingston endorsing Sprint PCS last year, I determined that he is 68% credible in that context, but if he were endorsing HBO’s “The Sopranos” that would make no sense and his credibility would sink to 13%, because he does not have anything to do with HBO and he is also not Italian. Meanwhile, Candice Bergen was 86% credible when she used to do those pin drop adverts for regular old Sprint. You can tell by looking at her that if Sprint betrayed her endorsement she would probably kill at least three people to avenge her honor.

Some celebrities have an all-around credibility which is accompanied by a universal relevance to all topics. If Alec Baldwin told me to buy something, I would do it without questioning him because I instinctively know to trust him with my very life. Especially if he called me personally to tell me about it. He will never let me down. I wish he was my dad. This is why I experience stress every time I see a Blockbuster commercial, because Alec Baldwin wants me to quit Netflix and I haven’t done it yet. Because their selection is better, that’s what I keep reminding myself.

So, Dennis Hopper. There’s something faintly untrustworthy about him. Threatening, even. So on the one hand, his mercenary persona compels me to do his bidding, but on the other hand, what does he know about retirement plans? Alec Baldwin could make this decision so much easier for me.