ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I found a mysterious stain on the floor by the back door this morning and because it was trash day, at first no one could determine whether a leaky trashbag was responsible, the dog, or some unknown third party, possibly the men roofing the house next door. A brief but thorough investigation followed, which consisted primarily of identifying potential offenders (trash, dog, roofers), analyzing motives that each might have for creating the suspicious stain, and finally, reviewing the general forensics of the scene for clues as to the perpetrator.

We quickly eliminated the roofers (not captured on camera) from the list of suspects, although I don’t entirely rule out the possiblility of them being nefarious in some other fashion. They stare at me when I go outside, and I read in my dog books that nearly all species of animals, including humans, naturally and instinctively interpret prolonged staring as a DEFINITE THREAT, which I feel totally validates my resent for their presence. Anyway, the people roofing the place next door are clearly evil, no doubt about that, but probably innocent with respect to the stain by the door. Although the truly bad never require much motive to commit misdeeds, there seems to be little reason for them to scale our fence or walk all the way around the shed to come in through the gate. Also we didn’t observe any intruders, and neither did the dog, who scrupulously watches for people and animals to approach the house so she has a legitimate excuse to bark about something.

So we turned to the most obvious culprit, who was skulking nearby wondering if it was time to eat something nice, and who is still working on the finer points of learning not to eliminate bodily waste in our home: HEY IT’S THE DOG! There is significant historical evidence suggesting that motive can be reasonably assumed when suspicious stains are observed in close proximity to untrained dogs, so it didn’t look good for the poochy. In addition, as recently as last night, the dog was discovered to have left an unpleasant surprise in front of the washing machine, strongly lending to the idea that a repeat offense was not out of the question. But out of fairness we acknowledged that this evidence was purely circumstantial and deserved further study. Also, we questioned whether the stain occurred as a result of dog waste when the dog approached it curiously, sniffed thoroughly, and began to lick the spot. Our scientific analysis of this behavior determined it to be totally gross, and although there are numerous documented cases of other dogs ingesting their own waste, this dog has never been known to do so.

This led to further consideration of our third and final suspect, the trash we had recently removed to the curb. Although the trash itself appears unassuming, we reviewed the possibility of an involuntary excretion of trash fluids during the trip outside and determined it was at least feasible. A quick reconstruction of the previous evening’s activities revealed that a plastic and styrofoam package containing raw chicken juices had been discarded the night before. In addition, briefly interviewing my roommate revealed that she had observed a “funky smell” emanating from the trash bin while removing the bag containing the offending fluids. When we smelled the stain itself—with the door closed to shield us from the watchful eyes of the roofers—it did in fact appear to be a funky odor. In addition, the size and pattern of the stain seemed like an unrealistic urine trajectory for an eight pound animal, but appeared consistent with our trip outside, which featured a brief pause at the storm door, probably resulting in the puddle at the end of the stain. The presence of chicken matter also explains the dog’s previously inconceivable desire to lick a gross spot on the floor. Eventually we concluded that this physical evidence was enough to clear the dog of all charges and to drop her temporary ban from the laundry room.

FORENSIC INVESTIGATION SAVES THE DAY!