ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Today is my birthday and we had a party last night and a bunch of people stayed over. Every year on my birthday my dad calls me at 8:00 in the morning to say happy birthday, probably to punish me for something I did when I was younger, and after his call I couldn’t seem to go back to sleep. So I lay in bed reading, trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up all the people who were sleeping around the house. After a while I got tired of it and put my bathrobe on over my nightgown and went into the kitchen. I started trying to clean up a little bit but I didn’t want to run water too loudly and wake up people, so I just made myself a cup of hot tea instead, and went outside with my book and some cookies. It rained overnight but it was surprisingly warm for late October so I found a dry spot on the deck benching and sat down with my tea and everything. I had been there a little while and I was slapping my bare feet on this little wet place on the deck and thinking how much I liked how that felt, plus how nice my tea tasted, and then I felt this funny thing on my arm. When I looked down at my sleeve I saw this little splat of bird shit on my fuzzy robe and I looked up and there were a lot of birds all going SCREE SCREE REEEEEEE up in the tree. I don’t think they even realized what they did.

It was the first time a bird ever shat on me. I got up and went in the kitchen and cleaned my robe off and it was all fine, so I went back outside and slapped my feet in the water some more and thought about my bird shit epiphany, which was based around my sudden realization that without warning, poop could at any time fall from the sky. I hope that if I ever have excrement land on me again, it is from a bird and not the blue ice kind that comes from airplanes and kills you when it falls. I went inside and compared notes with the people in the living room, who had woken up, and it turned out that they had also been shat on by birds at various times. It is like being in a new club. The Shit On Club. I like clubs.