ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I had just about the weirdest dream sometime last night. When I woke up this morning I remembered it right away, and my roommate was brushing her teeth in the bathroom so I wanted to tell her about it. “Hey,” I called through the door. “I had this weird sex type dream last night.”

Via grunts she expressed, “Weird how so?”

I explained, “It wasn’t exactly the how part so much as the who part that was weird.”

“Oo uz ih? Mmbuhy I know?”

“Penn Jillette, isn’t that weird?”

SPITSPITSPITSPITSPITSPITSPITSPIT. “Really?! What was he like?”

“Well in my dream he was pretty awesome. For what that’s worth.”

RINSERINSERINSERINSERINSE. “At least it wasn’t Teller. No offense to Teller, but, you know.”

“Teller’s not so bad. But I wonder if I’ll look at Penn differently from now on.”

“You know, Penn sort of looks like an older and fatter version of your boyfriend, but with slightly less hair.”

“Doesn’t Penn have a ponytail, though?”

FLUSH. “But isn’t he thinning up top, is what I meant.”

“I dunno. I never noticed it if he is.”

“Well anyway, it’s a good sign because if you thought Penn was hot enough to screw the way he looks now, then you and your boyfriend will have a good sex life even as you age, because your boyfriend will look more and more like Penn as he gets older.”

“Hey, you’re right. It was probably a message.”

“Probably it was a message from yourself in the future. ‘Hey, past self. Your boyfriend is still so way boneable at 45!’”

“Probably.”