ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

A squat woman with fat eyes and matted, dirty blonde hair entered the store and came up to my counter.

“Hi, can I help you?” I asked.

She shoved some papers through the tray at me in response. I took them and examined them briefly to determine that they were unrelated to payday loans or any other business we do.

“I’m sorry, what was it you needed me to help you with?” I asked politely. She didn’t smell very good.

“Needa set up summa that phone service, whaja think?” She sighed impatiently, as though this should have been obvious.

I pointed to the sign reading WE DO NOT TAKE PHONE BILL PAYMENTS OF ANY KIND hanging prominently in front of her. “I’m sorry, we don’t handle phone service of any sort.”

She glanced at the sign in surprise and said, “Oh, you jes take payments? Why kintcha set up service if yew take the money fer it?”

I stared at her and tried to ignore my boss, who was standing out of her sight, laughing and playing air banjo while he did a strange hillbilly jig of his own invention.

“Ma’am, that sign says that we don’t take phone payments of any sort. I’m sorry, but we won’t be able to assist you in any type of phone related service.”

“Yew dun do phone service then.”

“That’s correct. We aren’t able to help you with phone service.”

“No phone,” she repeated woodenly.

“Uh, yes. No phone service.” I thought my boss was going to shit himself giggling by this point.

“Well, wut are yew then?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Wut are yew? If yew dun do phone, what d’yew do?”

“Ah…we do payday loans and check-cashing, ma’am. Like the big sign in the window says.”

“Huh. Not good fer much, are yew,” she grunted, and left.