ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

A man came into the store and began filling out a Western Union money receipt form, which he brought up to the counter. I could tell right away that someone involved with this transaction was pretty stupid, since the amount of the transfer he had written down was for fifteen dollars, and it costs fifteen dollars to send fifteen dollars with Western Union. Anyway, because I’m not paid to have opinions, I took the man’s form and went back to the Western Union station.

After ten minutes I still had not located the man’s money in the system. It’s a Monday, I reasoned, so they’re probably busy and it hasn’t made it into the system. I went back to the counter to tell the man this news.

I said, “It looks like your money hasn’t arrived in the Western Union system yet. It’ll probably be here in another fifteen minutes or so, though, depending on when it was sent. Do you want to wait, or just come back in a little while to get your cash?”

The man wanted to come back in a little while. During his absence I searched several more times for his fifteen dollars, but it was not in the system. When the man returned to the store I looked once more, but it still appeared that the money had not yet been sent.

I said, “Your money still hasn’t shown up in the system. I think your best bet is to call the person who sent it to you and make sure they actually did send it.”

Spoke the man, “I’m sending the money.”

I stared at the man, thinking how convenient it would have been if he had mentioned this fact earlier. Why didn’t you fill out any of the Western Union forms that doesn’t say IF YOU ARE RECEIVING MONEY across the top, I did not say to him. “If you are sending money, why did you fill out a form for receiving money?” I asked the man, pointing to the correct forms.

The man crumpled his form, glowering at me in a manner that suggested he thought his thirty minute wait had been through someone’s fault other than his own. “They shouldn’t make these damn things so confusing,” the man grumbled. I could see his point; printing the words RECEIVING and SENDING in large letters at the top of each form was a bad move for Western Union if they were putting even a little effort into marketing their service to the illiterate and terminally stupid.

The man began filling out the correct form. When he finished, I took his form and looked it over. “You know that it costs fifteen dollars to send fifteen dollars, right?” I asked.

The man indicated that he did, rolling his eyes at me to show me that he wasn’t stupid or anything. It was a lie.

“I’m not paying you thirty dollars,” the man said. “You said it was fifteen.”

“Yes, sir. I said that because I assumed you understood it costs money above and beyond the amount of the actual transfer to send Western Union wire transfers.”

“You said it was fifteen,” the man said.

After a while it was accepted that it costs fifteen dollars to send fifteen dollars. I took the money and and the form and the man’s ID, which he gave me even though I didn’t need it.

“Listen,” said the man.

I listened.

“How long is this going to take?” asked the man. “I’m in a serious hurry.”

“It will probably take about two or three minutes,” I estimated. “I’ll do it as fast as I can.”

That was too long, the man decided. “I’m going someplace where this doesn’t take as long,” the man said.

“Here’s your thirty dollars back,” I said.