ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

Last night I called the cops on our weed-smoking neighbor bitch across the hall! I don’t think I’ve mentioned much about these crazy shitheads, but to clarify, this is the stupid twat who kicked our door and screamed at us because she thought we were leaving trash in the hall. MAYBE YOU HALLUCINATED IT AFTER EATING TOO MANY BLUNTS, STUPID. It’s not that I hate all people who experiment with drugs or whatever, but does she have to act like a bitch? It’s customary for extremely obvious drug-users to be polite to their neighbors because it’s kind of like paying them off for not turning you in, but this girl violated the age-old traditional code of consideration by yelling at us and defacing our door. By right, we are no longer obligated in any way to remain tolerant while her reefer smoke seeps into the front of our apartment.

When the cops arrived, I tiptoed as close to our door as I dared to eavesdrop. It was comedy and a half. Here are a few snippets of the conversation I caught. The cops were funny as hell.

Cop 1: Hi, we’re just checking to see if everything is all right at this address.
Neighbor Bitch: Huh?! Yeah, we’re fine…just…just…burning some incense and listening to music.
Cop 2: Incense? Smells kind of like marijuana to me. I can smell it all the way down the hall. Your neighbors probably can smell it through the whole building.
NB: [long pause] It’s, uh, a really big incense.
Cop 2: Really? Would you mind letting us see it?
NB: Um, it’s back in the back of our apartment.
Cop 3: Funny how a stick of incense could smell up the whole building on its own like that. Mind bringing it out for us to see?
NB: Well… [long pause] …it’s too big. And…it’s mostly used up. So there isn’t any left to show you.
Cop 3: Oh, I see. Well in that case, would you mind letting us come in for a moment so I can see where you were burning this piece of incense that’s too big to be carried?
NB: Oh, no, you can’t come in here. It’s…too messy.
Cop 2: Messy?
NB: Well, and I don’t let strangers come in my house. It’s a dangerous town. (Here I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud: Lawrence, Kansas…a hotbed of crime!!!)
Cop 1: You think we’re dangerous?
NB: Well, it’s three against one. You might not be real cops, either.
All cops: [flash badges again]
NB: It’s dangerous times…those might be fake badges…I can’t let you in my house because you might attack me and my friends.
Cop 1: You know what I think?
NB: What’s that?
Cop 1: I think you and your friends are smoking reefer in there and you’re just lying to cover up what you’re really doing.
NB: Oh, well…why would I do something like that?
Cop 3: Because you don’t want to get caught with marijuana?
NB: It’s an incense.
Cop 3: Oh, right, your incense.

[insert lengthy interlude in which cops get ID of NB and other people in apartment, and verify information]

Cop 3: Well, thanks for talking with us. In the future you might consider that it’s not so smart to sit around smoking, I mean burning, such big sticks of marijuana scented incense. It’s probably a fire hazard to burn sticks of incense too big to lift.

So does this mean that pot really does make you stupid?