ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

I’ve finally been to see The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sort of. Originally my mother and I had gone to the theater to see Legally Blonde 2, a movie that my mother had sort of been wanting to watch. About fifteen minutes into that one, when it had become painfully clear that the film had morphed into what would probably be a two hour foofy pink campaign for animal rights, my mom leaned over and asked if I wanted to leave and sneak into another movie. Hell yes. I was mainly indifferent since she didn’t feel like seeing Pirates of the Caribbean again, and since I didn’t have any especial yen to see any of the of the films showing at the time. The closest theater was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, so she picked that out and we ducked inside. The theater was pretty empty, and now I think I know why: people had a week to warn others against paying money for this movie. Also, it was a 10:30 show on a Sunday night. Anyway, I had planned originally not to see this film because I kind of liked the comic books it was based on and I had heard the movie butchered them pretty badly. By the end of the night both my mother and I wished we had stuck to Pirates of the Caribbean.

Because I’m trying to be at least kind of fair about this, let’s pretend the original comics never existed, in order to ignore the remarkable insult to their legacy. Right, so with that in mind, the main problems with the film as I see it are that it’s incredibly boring and it asks you to accept some pretty retarded shit, like Venice having streets, and graveyards that are underground. Oh, screw it. I don’t feel like writing a big essay on why this movie sucked so bad, since we didn’t even sit through the whole thing. I think I’ll just make a big list:

Summary of Some Stupid Shit About This Film

• Main bad guy looks like caped, masked version of the Red Skull
• Venice apparently equipped with useful streets on which cars can drive
• Dorian Grey guy has no compunction about revealing his one weakness, kind of like Green Lantern
• Audience expected to believe that a city built on water has underground graves
• Nautilus appears to be size of Iceland, yet fits easily in tiny Venetian canals
• Venetians continue revelry despite destruction of city
• Sean Connery proclaims city saved despite destruction of city

Overall, the movie was a series of long, boring moments punctuated by insipid and hackneyed lines. But my consolation is that the money we paid actually went to Legally Blonde 2 and not to this travesty.