ACCOUNTANT BY DAY

This week my roommate and I agreed to have coffee with someone we met on the internet. He met us at Henry’s, a coffee shop at 8th and New Hampshire here in town. When we first turned up at the coffee shop, we realized that neither of us had a clue what he looked like, so we went around asking total strangers if they were “Andy from the website”. Nobody downstairs knew or cared what the hell we were talking about, so we went upstairs, and walked around looking at people, trying to determine if they looked like a stranger from the internet. After a while, everybody began to look a lot like a stranger from the internet, so we approached a group of three guys and my roommate asked if any of them were named Andy. One of them said, “Yeah, that’s me!”

She and I looked at each other. She said doubtfully, “Andy from the website who’s supposed to meet us here eight-thirty-ish?”

“That’s me,” he said.

“Oh, nice to meet you,” we said, extending our hands.

“Actually I was lying to you,” he said. “My name’s Nick.”

“Oh. Are you a sexual predator?” my roommate asked.

“No,” he said.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I…yes?” he said.

“Well. Is it okay if we sit here and wait for our real sexual predator to arrive?” I asked.

So we sat for a while waiting for Andy-from-the-website and talking to Nick and his two friends Brad and Justin. During the course of the conversation they flattered us outrageously and Brad insisted several times that we should have a TV show together or do a comedy routine. It was fun sitting there with these kind of cute guys, listening to them heap us with praise and encourage our conversational antics, even though they were probably only doing all this because they were hoping to have sex with my roommate.

Soon Andy from the website, who turned out to be a pleasant young man who looked 23 like us even though he is not, arrived on scene. We introduced him to Nick, Brad, and Justin, even though we technically did not really know these people. Then we found a seat with him by a window and proceeded to talk for about 400 hours on the topic of how stupid customers are. He works for a community services organization, so he has about as much experience with this type of shit as we do. It was all kinds of fun, and every time he left to get more coffee or to use the restroom, my roommate and I would take the opportunity to evaluate him at length. We liked him and would consider hanging out with him again. We think there’s a 32% chance we’ll do something again.

There is a 9% chance that Nick, Brad and Justin will succeed in having a foursome with some irresponsible young girl who succumbs to their scheme of outrageous flattery and determination.